This Ray Rice issue has reopened the wounds caused by the domestic violence that takes place all too often in this country. However, the subsequent reactions to Stephen A. Smith’s comments is largely out of bounds and the backlash he has received is wholely inappropriate and misplaced. I will address both here. This may take a while…lol.
Note: We really
should take gender out of this. It is no more ok for a woman to hit a man than
it is for a man to hit a woman. Period….yet the discussion continues.
Alright. Let us
begin with Ray Rice. This may actually be the easiest part of this discussion.
Because the simple and obvious truth is that he was wrong. Now, we as the
public, are not aware of what took place inside the elevator. All we know is
that she got on the elevator conscious and when the elevator doors opened up he
was dragging he unconscious body out of the elevator. Doesn’t take a rocket
scientist or a psychic to come to the conclusion that whatever happened
culminated in her being knocked unconscious. Is it possible he pushed her and
she hit her head and fell unconscious? Its possible. Is it possible she tried
to attack him and tripped, hit her head and fell unconscious? Again, it is
possible. Hell, could she have passed out from too much alcohol consumption?
Very possible! Did he strike her and knock her unconscious? Sure seems so as he
has pretty much stated he did. So we are going to go with this one. Forgive me,
I’m just dotting my Ts and crossing my Is (I hope the sarcasm is sickeningly
obvious). Supposedly, there was alcohol involved on some level and they were
having an argument where she became violent and he responded in kind and
resulted in the shameful video we are now familiar with.
Of course Ray Rice
was wrong. The fact that alcohol was involved or that she initiated the
violence is no more a reason than it is an excuse. Additionally, him being a
successful pro football running back for one of the most physical franchises in
the NFL further diminishes any stance he may have in this case. He did not have
to respond with violence, his life was not being threatened, and he was in a
position to diffuse the situation, not escalate it. That being said we all make
mistakes, some behind closed doors and some the world becomes privy to, especially
when there is some celebrity attached to you. So we should be careful in our
condemnation of Ray Rice who never had anything even remotely close to this
come up previously. No one is perfect and we are all one bad decision away from
being in the very same position he is in. However, Ray should expect this
backlash and be more than willing to accept any and all repercussions that come
with his decision to engage in such an action. Simply because he made the
choice.
Now to the Stephen
A. situation. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, was wrong with what he stated,
pointed out, etc. You may not agree with the word provoke. But what if I told
you my mother has been the victim of domestic abuse on multiple occasions
during the course of multiple relationships and she has stated that in some
instances she did provoke the man? Mind you she explicitly used the word
“provoke” which seems to be the hot-button word that everyone is focused on.
Now let’s really get into it. Stephen A., in understanding his audience, reiterated
multiple times that regardless of the provocation it is in no way acceptable
for a man to hit a woman. He has, in other episodes where this topic came up,
went so far as to refer to men who hit women as, and I quote, punks. I agree.
However, when he shifted the focus to understanding the elements of
provocation, this perspective comes from a background in the urban community (I
am in no way stating this is the only environment where this takes place or
that it always happens in this environment) where there are women who go out of
their way to get a rise or a reaction out of a man by berating him, demeaning
him, threatening him, etc. Again, and this is so ridiculous that I have to keep
reiterating the fact that I am not saying this make violence against women
acceptable but I know so many of you will grab hold and run with it, with your
simple selves, THIS DOES NOT MAKE VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN ACCEPTABLE. However,
the object of the exercise is to do everything in your power, that is within
your realm of control, to avoid such a situation. This is all he was pointing
out. This is a very real fact. Anyone who cannot see that either doesn’t want
to or lacks the common sense, or real life experiences and therefore is unfit
to debate the merits of his point.
There is something
to be said for intelligence. There is something to be said for vigilance,
street smarts, etc. No it is not ok for a man to hit a woman, nor is it ok for
a woman to provoke a man. Both are independently true. And one does not ok the
other. Period.
I am going to tell
you a story. Just stay with me. While attending a nightclub I witnessed one of
the most disturbing sights of my life. There was this beautiful young lady on
the dancefloor and the floor was packed. She was just making her rounds, not
really dancing just constantly rotating around the dancefloor. During her
strolls, guys would reach out to her to ask for a dance or some conversation
and her response was “stank”. She would yell and curse at the men, threaten
them, in some cases she even took a swing. This happened a few times during her
dancefloor strolls. Eventually, this group of about four guys got fed up and
the next time she walked by them one of the men pushed her down and the four of
them began stomping her.
Now, should men have
been reaching out and grabbing her to get her attention? Probably not but do
remember, we are in a crowded club with loud music and low lights. Not
excusing, just painting a clear picture.
Should she have been
volatile in her reaction? That’s debatable, and I’ll leave it at that.
Should the four guys
have stomped her out in anger because of her volatile reactions. ABSOLUTELY
NOT.
However, could she
have avoided this outcome? Now remember, yes the men should not have done it
but was there anything she could have done to ensure her personal safety? She
could have taken stock of the situation after her first stroll and realized,
hey these guys out here are a bit aggressive. Maybe I should move to a
different area of the club. Or maybe I should wait for a less energetic song.
Or maybe she could have declined in a less hostile fashion. The point is in a
perfect world, regardless of her actions she would not have had to endure such
a beating. But we don’t live in a perfect world and there is a responsibility
on each of us for our personal safety. That outcome could have been avoided by
her and by the men. They could have just ignored her or moved to another area
of the club if her strolls were annoying them so much. But in the end,
decisions were made by both parties that resulted in the perfect storm.
I tell my wife and
my daughter please be smart. Be vigilant. Because you never know who you are
encountering and there are women who have not survived a single act of domestic
abuse. There have been women who have been disabled for life because of a
violent encounter with a man. So though we want things to be better I prefer to
equip the women in my life with the skills and perspective that gives them the
best chance of surviving to see that improvement realized. And I don’t work for
ESPN/Disney so I really don’t give a damn if you don’t like my perspective and
there will be no apology coming from this guy, mainly because it is not needed.
Get your head out of your ass and realize we are striving for an improved
society, we are not there yet. We may be moving in the right direction but the
journey is not done.
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